my pride could make grad school complicated...

grad school has always been something ive wanted to do. my plan was to teach for a year and then begin working on my masters.  well that plan may soon be crumbling before my eyes.  not because i cant do it. not because others are telling me i cant do it. but because of pride. because i dont see stuttering as a disabilty for me. 

here's what im trying to say. a couple weeks ago, i went up to the college to deliver the paperwork of a girl whos student teaching at my school. her supervisor is the graduate chair and i saw some info. on grad school in her box outside her office. i took a look at it and there was an application for a portfolio presentation, which apparently is a requirement before graduation. it pretty muched freaked me out, not because i cant do it or because i dont want to do it, but because i know it will take me a while to get through it. in undergrad, my professors were always cool with time limits and stuff. in class presentations, i was never given a time limit. at the end of every semester we had to go through a "checkpoint" which included a presentation. no problem. i was comfortable with my mentor, who was on the panel to which i had to give the presentation. and i also was excused from the time constraints.  

that being said, the professor who is in charge of the grad program is quite different than my undergrad mentor. she was one of the most intimidating professors for me to talk with and is known at times to go on "power trips." i never had any problems with her while in her class, but i know how she can be.  part of this is just me worrying for nothing and overanalyzing, but i fear that she will tell me that if i want a time extension for my presentation that i will have to register with Student Disability Resource Center (SDRC).  this is something that i am strongly opposed to. i guess when you think about it, its kind of ironic, since im in the field of special education and work with students with disabilities. however, i DO NOT view my stuttering as a disability. i am very capable of doing all the work of grad school, including oral presentations- i just need some extra time. so even the thought of going through SDRC and registering my stuttering as a disability doesnt sit well with me. maybe its just a pride thing. but right now where im at, i refuse to do it. now every since i saw that stuff in her box, im been overanalyzing this situation and re-thinking grad school.

my old professor, who was also my mentor, and happens to be like my second mom, was in her office a few days after i saw the application for the portfolio presentation. i shared my concerns with her about it. her first response was, "hey- why not work the system?" (she can say this because she has a son with a physical disability who will be a freshman next year and is considering going through sdrc so he can get a free laptop- haha) "because the system was always against," i told her. she completely understood my reservations. she said to just talk with sdrc and the grad chair and see what they think, that it might not even be necessary. she also suggested that maybe if i could just get a speech therapist to do an evaluation of my speech and write up my needed accommodations, maybe that would be enough.

well, i emailed sdrc and they said, yeah i should go through them. which is completely what i was expecting. i mean, thats what theyre there for. i mentioned the evaluation to jill and she offered to do it for me. im a little hesitant about it, but i dont have to decide quite yet. i just avoided talking to the grad chair- haha. i had lunch with my professor/mentor yesterday and we talked about it again. she made a good point- that as a program (special education), she would hope that they would be willing to work with me and help me get my masters. she also informed me that even though dr. l is the grad program chair, the decision would ultimately be a program decision. that is definitely reassuring to me because i had the chance to prove myself to the other professors and they know that i am intelligent and capable and a dang good teacher! ;) anyway, at lunch my mentor offered to talk to the chair for me, just to run it idea by her first and then once she got a feel for her response, i could talk to her. so thats where its at right now. and im still overanalyzing it- figures. haha

3/25

ouch!

driving to work this morning, i was still feeling really bummed about the phone conversation with jill and just couldnt seem to stop beating myself up. i plugged up my ipod and decided to listen to some stuttertalk. i had a few episodes that i hadnt had a chance to hear yet. the one that i was listening to had kristen chmela, a clinician and pws. that was exciting to me, as female stutterers arent as common as male stutterers. anyway, so im driving along, just enjoying the beautiful sunrise and a cool podcast, and i was starting to forget about how upset i was. then the topic of breathing came up and i got real tense. the basic thought was that, "if youre alive, youre breathing" and it really isnt an issue in regards to stuttering.  it just felt like a huge slap in the face to me. something that is so real to me and such a huge part of a my struggle i felt like was just completely dismissed and mocked. i really took that to heart, which i guess in a way is silly since these are people that i dont know and have no clue who i am, but it just reminded me of how much i hate having to deal with it and how it is one part of my stuttering that i am really insecure about.  it is something that is very much a real thing to me so it really sucks to hear people shrug it off or joke about it. to me, breathing (or lack thereof) is a part of my stuttering and it hurts to hear people say that its not. i dont know, maybe im just being overly sensitive right now because im just completely exhausted, but it was painful to hear to this morning...

Mar 19, 5:28 pm 98m 39s

this is what the screen on my phone says right now and i cant stop staring at it. i keep beating myself up over it. it was supposed to be a 3 damn minute phone conversation showing off how much easier i could say the "f" sound, and instead it turned into a "thing" that lasted 98 minutes and 39 seconds. what the f? i felt horrible because i wanted us to have a positive conversation for once. really, i wanted her to have a successful conversation with me. i wanted to show her how what she had shown me was finally started to make a little sense. i had a 2 and a half hour drive home from the workshop so i was just playing around with my words and paying really close attention to tension and struggle and trying to get a feel for what it felt like when i was blocking and what it felt like when i was speaking easily. i was finally able to notice the tension while still in the block and release it until i could move forward. this was HUGE because normally in the moment of a block i am completely unaware of whats going on, making it hard to stutter easily, with less tension. i was pumped, let me tell you, because i knew that my speech was really tense and that not being able to realize the tension was keeping me from letting go of the stutter. not even sure if this is making sense, but to me it does. and i was ecstatic! it was something jill and i had talked about, and since she told me to practice the "f" sound, that is what i did. i thought shed be excited, plus i knew she had kinda had a discouraging week, so my hope was that shed feel a little better and maybe a little more confident. plus, shes my friend and i wanted to share this with her. 

now, the thing is, the phone is horrible for me. i mean, absolutely terrible. its the one thing that i still consistently avoid. we have only talked on the phone once before, and she called me so i mainly just listened and hit a few buttons. haha. today i had been having a pretty rough speech day, but i  had been driving for a while and felt relaxed and confident.  i thought id give it a try. i sent her a text asking if i could call (yeah i know someone probably will say that i shouldnt have to do that, and maybe i dont, but i did) and she said yeah. so i called. and i was pleased with how things were going. dont get me wrong, i still stuttered. and some were hard and long and down-right ugly. but daggumit, i was talking on the phone and not avoiding and i was saying what i wanted to say without re-wording. to me, that was a success. and then....well, to be honest, im not sure what happened. things just started going downhill. my blocks were becoming way more tense and i tried to force my way through them; my breathing got way out of whack and i couldnt get that under control. i know there are many people in the stuttering community who think that breathing isnt a secondary and that any talk of breathing in regards to stuttering is just bogus. sure, everyone knows how to breathe. breathing has no place in stuttering therapy or even in stuttering conversations, unless its to talk about how ridiculous it is to be talking about breathing. i dont know what experts or research say about breathing. all i know is that when i start blocking a lot, i get worked up and take a lot of short, rapid breaths or hold my breath. its not intentional. i think it may start out as a way to get through the block, but it quickly escalates into something more.  its like i literally cant breathe. i remember as i kid my mom would just pick me up and hold me in these moments. it was the only way i would relax.  i would just feel all the tension and struggle escape as i focused on her breathing and matching my breathes with hers. i know it sounds stupid. and trust me, i feel stupid when it happens. breathing should be involuntary, but in these moments its not for me. and when i get like that, all i want is for someone to scoop me up like momma used to. but im a 22 year old girl now, so thats not quite as acceptable now. :) but to be honest, i still have to watch my friends shoulders sometimes. i have one friend whos real affectionate or whatever, and shell put my hand on her shoulder so i can feel her breathing, or shell hold my arm and squeeze it on every inhalation. now, let me stop right now and just go ahead and say, i know this sounds completely ridiculous. (if anyone even read this) im sure there are people who will think im a nut-job. some will just think im making this up. i can also bet that at least one person will think im having a panic attack. ive gotten that before. and i absolutely hate that! ive read or heard that in some ways, stuttering is like ptsd and each stutter is like a panic attack as old stuttering moments are re-lived. i think there may be some validity to that, im not sure. but i dont think thats the case with me. who knows? maybe thats exactly whats going on and i just dont want to admit it. what i do know is that i absolutely hate it. it is noticeable and weird and completely embarrassing. i worry a lot that people will see me as less intelligent or weak or broken because i stutter. this just compounds the problem, because here i am struggling to do a most basic human function that a baby can do while still in the womb, and yet this 22 year old girl cant? its one of the things i hate most about my stuttering. and it happened tonight on the phone with jill. things just kept getting worse. the guilt and shame kicked in big time. she was supposed to go to the gym and was talking to me on her way there. then because the conversation was no longer going so well, she had to sit outside her gym for well over an hour just waiting while i struggled with my words. i kept offering to let her go but she wanted to finish talking (at least thats what she told me). but i felt like a jerk for taking so much time. i completely interrupted her schedule and ruined her plans for the night. of course that only made me feel even more rushed, which did nothing but increase anxiety and frustration and consequently, my stuttering.  it was just a viscous downhill cycle. my breathing, and head jerking and eye blinking, got so bad at one point that i had to pull over on the side of the interstate so i could talk. how pathetic is that? 

i just felt so bad because all i wanted to do was show her the progress i had made in saying "f" words, to have a short, successful phone conversation with my friend. instead, i upset/worried her and made things even worse and more awkward and uncomfortable for us. oh, and get this- i cried. yeah, i know. i never cry. ever. my friends joke that i have no heart because i just dont cry about things. and on the rare occasion that i do cry, its alone. in my room. not where others can know about it. yet there i was, on the phone with jill, crying. and it wasnt an all-out cry-fest or anything. but crying, nonetheless. i felt so pathetic. like the stereotypical stuttering girl, insecure and emotional, crying about her speech and having a pity party.  but that wasnt it. i dont know how to explain it, though. i was crying not so much over the stuttering as i was crying about the friendship. it wasnt that i was stuttering; it was that i felt like i couldnt communicate. i dont have a lot of really close friends, but i really want to be friends with jill. it just seems any time we try to really talk, i ef it up. not because i stutter. but because i let my stutter interfere and because of my response to it. wow- as i typed that, i realized how huge that is. at least i think it is. or it could be. maybe?  gonna need some time to think that through and develop that idea more.  i was sad because its not fair that jill should have to "deal" with any of this. she shouldnt have to learn to wait and not finish my sentences. she shouldnt have to learn how to help me or respond when im blocking or getting worked up. she shouldnt have to sit in her car, in the rain, for an hour and a half, just because shed feel guilty if she got off the phone with me to go work out. she shouldnt have to have a phone conversation that shouldve taken 5 minutes turn into a 98 minute ordeal. i dont want her to think, "i dont have the time/patience/energy/strength/whatever to talk with her right now." but i fear thats whats happening, since this seems to be how our conversations play out every time. and i hate it because i feel like she doesnt get to see or know the real me. i hate that she sees me as an anxious, stressful, worried person who gets worked up easily. ask any of my close friends or my family and they will tell you im one of the most laid-back, easy-going, chill girls ever. i rarely get upset (even at times when i probably should) and think most things arent a big deal. even, believe it or not, when it comes to my speech. not that i could ever convince you by reading this blog. but honestly, my stuttering doesnt bother me on a day -to -day basis. not saying by any means that im completely cool with my stuttering and accepting of everything that it entails. but i usually dont get worked up when im having a bad day or when someone reacts negatively to my stuttering. i just kinda roll on with it. that probably has a lot to do with my faith. i dont know. im tired and rambling and feel like im not making any sense. but i just needed to get these thoughts out in writing so when im not completely exhausted i can process them a little better. there a several other thoughts, insights, ideas, questions i have about tonight, but its a quarter till midnight and i have to get up and teach in 6 hours.  

98m 39s... and the worst part? i didnt even get the chance to say the damn word "fish." how 'bout them apples?

putting my stuttering out there (cont'd)

so like i was explaining, my goal lately has just been to put my stuttering out there and just acknowledge it.  however, i was at this workshop with the state doe yesterday and today and there were sped teachers and slps there. now, i went in planning on just stuttering away and not re-wording or avoiding or anything like that. that way the tendency to try to hide it would be eliminated and so id kinda be forced to just be open about my speech. that was the plan. and i think i did a good job of stuttering. :) i stuttered a lot, some easy, some with a lot of tension. my secondaries were pretty rough though (which wasnt part of the plan, but oh well!). i was nervous as crap because i was surrounded with speech therapists, and this presented a problem. i cant explain it. its like the second i know someones a therapist, i get tense and struggle with my speech and try to force things out. i had some really hard, tense blocks with the one particular therapist. she was actually cool and didnt freak out or anything. anyway, the point is, i had a realization today. several actually. and today turned out to be not such a good day even though i had some "epiphanies," but ill save that for another post. what i realized was that with most people, i straight up say that i stutter. with most speech pathologists, i dont do that. for some reason, i dont acknowledge my stutter, at least not in the sense of just coming out and saying, "i stutter." i dont know if its just because i assume theyll figure it out on their own so theres no need for me to say it. i dont know if, on some level, i fear that theyll go into "speech mode" as i call it, analyzing everything i do, remembering things theyve learned in school, and try to give me therapy while were talking. i dont know if i worry theyre gonna view me as a client instead of a colleague and professional. maybe its because i feel i can just stutter and not have to explain myself. im not sure what it is. and im not sure yet what it means. its just something i noticed the past few days. it might be something, it might be nothing. i havent had time to really think it through yet. but while it was fresh on my mind i wanted to get it out.   what i do know is that when i go ahead and put my stuttering on the table and acknowledge it to my listener, i usually tend to be more at ease and relaxed and not as focused on when im gonna block. so far im into this "advertising thing." well see how well i keep that attitude. :)

putting my stuttering out there

so ive been working on this here lately. not that ive ever really "hidden" my stutter, because lets be honest, thats not really possible. but there were definitely times when i tried to hide it, by avoiding or substituting or acting like i forgot what i was gonna say or whatever. when i feel pressure to not stutter, i tend to stutter more. if i just allow myself to talk freely, even if that means stuttering, i usually have more productive speech. when im in new situations, its usually best to just be like, "so i stutter. just putting that out there." then theres no fear of, "what if this person finds out i stutter?" i take the unknown out of the equation. however, there are certain situations in which i desperately do not want it to be known that i stutter, usually when my intelligence or competency is in question (or if theres a hot guy around haha). so this means that when i went on my job interview, i didnt want my principal to know i stutter. when i met my students' parents for the first time, i was nervous they would think i would not be an effective teacher because of my speech. when talking with other teachers or administrators or service providers, i constantly wonder if they think im less intelligent than them just because i dont talk as smoothly as them? 

the truth is, i am an intelligent, competent, valuable person and an excellent teacher. so what if i stutter? if i am ashamed of it or make it into a thing, others are more likely to respond in the same manner. so, ive been working on just putting my stuttering out there. its not like others cant tell that im stuttering, so i might as well acknowledge it and put myself and others at ease with it, ya know? 

as ive been doing this, ive been consistently and pleasantly surprised with how people have responded to my speech. a few examples: when i told my principal that i stutter, she was completely cool with it. she wasnt concerned with my teaching ability or anything at all. just supportive. and it turns out her son stuttered when he was younger. back in the fall i had to file an insurance claim and it had to be done on the phone. the lady with whom i spoke was incredibly patient (as i struggle a lot with phone conversations) and we had this conversation about how her grandson had started stuttering and how she knew it wasnt because i was nervous or shy or anything. monday of this week i had to go turn some paperwork in at the school board. when i went into the curriculum director's office, i was suddenly overwhelmed with thoughts that she would think i was nervous or unconfident and shouldnt be teaching in her county. i decided not to say anything about my stutter and just say as little as possible. well i ended up having to stay in there longer that i thought because i had to finish some paperwork stuff. my phone vibrated when i got a text, and she made a comment about it. we began talking about cell phones and text messaging. i figured that would be a good way to casually mention my speech, i just kinda was like, "yeah, i stutter, so i really like text messaging." she said she hadnt even noticed that i stuttered until i said something. then we had this cool conversation about stuttering. her nephew stuttered when he was little, and her son had a friend who actually transfered to his private school because he was teased so bad in public school. she mentioned that many scholars believe moses stuttered, which gave me an opportunity to explain how stuttering and my faith are so intertwined in many ways. i really enjoyed that conversation. and because i went ahead and said, "hey, i stutter," i wasnt so worried about when i would stutter, which allowed me to focus more on the conversation and just enjoy the beauty of communicating.  

theres more i want to say on this topic, but it will have to wait until another day. peace!

meeting another female stutterer

so ive always hated therapists. for lots of reasons. but thats another post. so i had this really cool experience not too long ago...jill told me about this stuttering workshop presented by a lady who stutters and is also an slp. i wanted to go but i wasnt sure. jill convinced me to go- she thought itd be beneficial. so i signed up to go. it was on a friday, dec. 7. thursday night i almost backed out, but i found myself driving to savannah the next morning anyway. so i get there and feel sick walking into a room full of speech therapists. jill promised me i wouldnt have to talk, just sit and listen. yeah i wasnt in there 3 minutes and i had to speak to the whole group. awesome. the speaker, marilee, asked if anyone was not a speech therapist. i raised my hand. she asked what i did. uh....so i stuttered away. of course she knew then, so did everyone else. well good. at least we got that out of the way. she came up to me at the first break and pulled a chair up so she could sit while speaking to me. she asked if i was understanding everything, since some of it was "slp talk." i told her i was good, and what i wasnt sure of jill helped me with. we talked a little about teaching and that was that. i enjoyed the conference. mainly because i liked listening to marilee speak and it was the neatest experience to meet another female who stutters (or just another person that stutters, for that matter). were outnumbered 4 to 1, so it was really cool. i went up to her after the conference and told her i enjoyed it and that she was the first female stutterer i had ever met. she told me if i wasnt in a hurry to hang around and chat while she packed up. i ended up staying for about 45 minutes, up until she had to leave to catch her flight back to ohio. i left the conference with an indescribable feeling, simply because of meeting marilee. and it was even more awesome because she was successful and doing what she loved and speaking for a living, all while stuttering. i was quite impressed, especially when there were technical difficulties with the sound system and the hotel staff who were supposed to help her were very rude and inconsiderate. she didnt back down. she didnt just let it go. she was assertive and said what she needed to say and demanded respect, eventually getting the sound system problem fixed. i really admired that because i would have just shrugged and walked away, or at best gotten someone else to speak for me. also, it was encouraging because marilee spoke about her husband, and i always wonder if theres guys out there who would want to marry a stutterer. so now i know theres at least one. ha! hopefully theres more, preferably a little younger. :) anyway, meeting marilee was something that i will never forget. im glad jill told me about it and im glad i didnt punk out.

Way Back to Yesterday

"They say that hindsight's always 20/20
I think I'm just beginning to see
The hurtful words meant to impress you
Flow from the very heart of me
Don't look now because my foot's in my mouth once again

And I'm on my way back to yesterday
To take back the words that I didn't want to say
I'm on my way back to yesterday
Just praying that I'll find my way
On my way back to yesterday

Tuesday came before I ever really knew
Regretting me, I left you
But the sun set too early or the moon rose to quickly
And now I must find my way back

Don't lose me now
I'm losing you" Matt Wertz